Category Archives: Humor

The Hairy Stick-Eaters

PRIVATE LOG
Star Date 2008.23.12
Local Date 23 DECEMBER 2008, 1930 h.
Earth, interior Alaska.

The hairy stick-eaters were here again today. Fortunately, we had escaped before dawn, traveling the 10 km to the employment facility, and so missed their onslaught. Upon our nocturnal return, the seasonal retention of precipitation as frozen particles (“snow”), which covers the earth here in a white blanket for half of this planet’s annual cycle, gave clear indication of their earlier presence. We were lucky to have missed them, but they had been unable to erase their tracks across this seasonal slate. And, perhaps to taunt us, they had once again turned out the lights. We keep a seasonal array of many small lights wrapped around a nearby perennial plant (a “tree”) to give some dimensionality to the ports in our dwelling. During the excessively long nocturnal periods here at this time in the annual cycle, these transparent panels are usually cheerless, reflective black surfaces, only less oppressive when the shades are drawn, enabling us to focus inward, rejecting their presence. This is the season when the hairy stick-eaters come in greater numbers to threaten our security. Drawing the shades also prevents them from spying on us, and we hope that it thwarts their planning.

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Ass Laser Tuner Wanted

Our newly expanded and renovated building has taken a bold step towards automation by installing automatic flush devices on the toilets. On the bright side, you’re likely to have sanitary improvements by not having to touch a handle that many others have touched before you (and here the question “Who knows where their hands have been?” is rhetorical). On the other hand, the damned things don’t work very well. Either you get a premature flush at the first “away” movement of the posterior (hence, ass) which requires a second flush later, or you get no flush at all. When it doesn’t flush, many people walk away, leaving an unpleasant surprise and an almost mandatory button-pushing for the poor soul who comes behind them. I put up a nicely printed sign politely urging patrons to “Please press button to confirm deposit,” but it was rather quickly removed. And it wasn’t taken down because everyone suddenly became deposit conscious; clearly many are still not getting the most from their investments (yuck).

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