Our newly expanded and renovated building has taken a bold step towards automation by installing automatic flush devices on the toilets. On the bright side, you’re likely to have sanitary improvements by not having to touch a handle that many others have touched before you (and here the question “Who knows where their hands have been?” is rhetorical). On the other hand, the damned things don’t work very well. Either you get a premature flush at the first “away” movement of the posterior (hence, ass) which requires a second flush later, or you get no flush at all. When it doesn’t flush, many people walk away, leaving an unpleasant surprise and an almost mandatory button-pushing for the poor soul who comes behind them. I put up a nicely printed sign politely urging patrons to “Please press button to confirm deposit,” but it was rather quickly removed. And it wasn’t taken down because everyone suddenly became deposit conscious; clearly many are still not getting the most from their investments (yuck).

I’ve studied the issue more closely than most patrons, and I’ve determined that the problem is with poorly tuned ass lasers. The blinking red ass lasers activate and pulse regularly to determine continued proximity, but they too often trip the flush mechanism before the ass stimulus has been removed to an adequate distance. Digression: Or sometimes they fail to work at all; that requires an ass laser device mechanic and is outside the scope of this line of thought. They actually had to replace a bunch of ass laser devices completely in our upstairs mega-restrooms. Assuming that the ass laser device is functional, it clearly needs to be properly tuned. And it is such an ass laser tuner that we need. I think that if we need them, there must be many building owners who do, and, while I can’t personally get in on this growth industry without compromising my performance at my current job, I think that I have come up with a concept for the flush technician/ass laser tuner toolbox that should make the job easy and fun: the Ass Mask ™. I would like to trademark this name and patent the design to meet this no doubt growing need. It would make my employer happy as well—we university types are constantly encouraged to convert our intellectual property into practical applications. This one has clear practical applications, and impractical ones as well (e.g., Halloween and masked balls—see the limerick copied below)! It could be a winner all around.

Of course I had to determine whether my original idea is truly original or whether my erratic brain has simply replicated something that some other idiot has already cashed in on. The internet’s Urban Dictionary defines an ass mask as “to shove your ass onto another person’s face.” A behavior focusing specifically on this is probably uncommon outside of gradeschool, so I propose a second, soon to be more popular definition:

ass mask: mask worn by those tuning ass lasers on the automatic flushing devices for toilets. Enables the worker to emulate an ass while looking directly at the laser measurement device, moving the head forward and back and tuning the ass laser with the appropriate tool until the activation of the flush mechanism is accurately distanced relative to ass and toilet bowl. A warm latex is usually preferred for best ass emulation, and mirrored sunglasses are usually worn over the eyeholes for vision safety when working with the (usually) low-powered ass laser. Off-the-job uses include Halloween and frat parties.

I’ll make the Ass Mask and this second definition be a household word, like Kleenex, for those hardy souls who wander the Earth tuning ass lasers. I’m afraid there already is a www.assmask.com, but the developer hasn’t achieved any noteworthy focus. So remember, you heard it here first. I’m off to contemplate drawing up plans and making a model to send to the patent office. Maybe I’ll have to partner with a flush technician for optimizing design and implementation….

Limerick demonstrating a ready impractical use for the Ass Mask ™:

Sir Reginald Barrington Bart
Went to the masked ball as a fart
He painted his face
Like a more private place
And his voice made the dowagers start!