For years I’ve been patching our deck by swapping out surface boards as they rotted. The original builders hadn’t used treated boards, and the previous owners hadn’t painted it, either. So it had slowly deteriorated. I put in treated 2x6s, so it was increasingly sturdy. But I stepped right through it on an old but sound-looking board in the fall, and then the lower structure started to give way as some of the joist ends rotted. All winter I kept thinking about what it would be like if a moose walked onto it and broke a leg. So we made plans to get it replaced in spring.

Enter the now infamous Low Bid Contractor (LBC). He’s the one we went with. We know him, and while he’s not very reliable (often not putting in any work at all on the house for days), he was able to free up some time on his calendar for this job. Rose and I both shopped around for materials. She was very interested in a maintenance-free deck. So after comparison shopping we went with composite deck boards and found that Fiberon offers good value and a remarkable recycled product. They also have a hidden fastener system, based on what I’ll call caltrops. We made plans as the last of the snow melted.

Day 1: LBC hard at it in back with a splitting maul, using the hammer end to destroy one section of the old deck at a time.

Day 2: As the old deck gets broken up, LBC discovers that the support timbers weren’t made of treated lumber either, and that they will need replacing too.

Day 3: Where is that damned LBC?

Day 4: We realize the LBC hasn’t had a tetanus shot in too long.

Day 6: One supplier delivers materials as promised and on time. The other supplier tells us we have the day wrong, it’s Saturday, not Thursday.

Day 8: Nothing arrives on Saturday, either. They say that well, they’ll try again next Saturday. WTF??

Day 9: LBC’s spouse gets her own hammer out of the deal and demonstrates a remarkable ability at pulling nails, recycling treated boards from the old deck. LBC goes and gets the new, undelivered material himself. It’s quite a load. The scheduled delivery date stamped on the load is, yes, the original date LBC waited at home all day for the delivery.

Day 10: How on earth did the previous builders do such a shitty job? This thing isn’t even close to square…

Day 11: Measure twice, cut once. Great adage, but you also need to apply some thought.

Day 12: Four stores visited now for miscellaneous parts and materials needed. (This eventually goes to five.)

Day 13: Damn. There was another timber under there…

Days 14-17: Back section is re-framed with new timbers. Joists are in. First surface boards start going in. Drill and screw, drill and screw.

Day 21: LBC smashes the last of the old deck into oblivion.

Day 23: Back on timber framing, side portion of deck. How on earth did the previous builders do such a shitty job?! Some of the concrete piers are poured in the wrong places! LBC figures a workaround…

Day 29: LBC spent the weekend screwing around.

Day 30: LBC turned the corner – the back half is finished. It’s actually looking pretty good.

Day 31: LBC miscalculated on materials and ran out of surface boards with an embarrassing amount of square footage uncovered.

Day 32: The store is out of stock of Fiberon surface boards. Doh!

Day 33: Might as well get going on the steps. Both Rose and I have taken really hard falls from slipping on the old steps (from slimy slipperiness in fall rains), so we search out non-slip stairs. We go with the industrial look.

Days 34, 35: LBC creates mental plan for wood and steel steps, travels to about four different stores, and picks up miscellaneous material to make it work.

Day 36: Might as well use the finished part of the deck. Screen house goes up.

Day 46: The store is still out of stock of Fiberon surface boards.

Days somewhere in here: LBC cobbles together sturdy, inelegant, slip-free stairs in front and back. Fastens them to deck timbers.

Day 58: The store is still out of stock.

Day 66: The store is still out of stock.

Day 74: LBC calculated a surface board workaround – how what they do have in stock could be custom cut and work out. A little uglier, but finished. Drives across town to order it in person. The right stuff is back in stock.

Day 77 (final day; 13 July): LBC finishes squirrel-proofing the last of the infrastructure (chicken-wire skirt, installed from the inside) and installs the last of the surface boards.

We love our new deck. Given that the last one lasted 30 years, we figure we have a fifty-year deck in place now. LBC calculated that he spent 96 hours working on it, not including all the running around to supply stores so many times.

Smartest little things done:
1) Replacing the flashing against the house instead of recycling the old stuff (LBC found a matching color in flashing made for another purpose.)

2) Finding two cordless drills on sale and buying them at the start. Rigged one with a drill bit and the other with the screwdriver bit. What a difference they made.

P.S. Some are wondering how much it cost and who LBC was so they avoid him. I have an odd sense of humor. LBC did not submit a bill for labor. LBC also has an odd sense of humor, and he’s not available for further deck jobs. The title of this post was meant to cut two ways: The house is ___ ___ ___. LBC is also ___ ___ ___. I honestly don’t expect a bill. That’s how he became the LBC.

I am he, and he is me, and rarely do we disagree.